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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29058006">Endlessly, Infinitely, In Perpetuity: Lent et Douloureux</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/00zombie/pseuds/00zombie'>00zombie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Neon Genesis Evangelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cancer, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Gods, Hanahaki Disease, Piano, Sharing a Bed, Time Loop, a lot of alternate universes tbh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:48:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,033</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29058006</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/00zombie/pseuds/00zombie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Asuka dies, Rei tries to save her, but it ends up being a lot more complicated than she wanted. Lilith helps.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ayanami Rei/Souryuu Asuka Langley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. RECAPITULATION: DYSTELEOLOGY</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello &gt;_&gt; this will have a Lo t of angst so dont read if u dont want that... but it will also have a lot of fluff :D this is still in production so sorry if i have a mini hiatus between chapters ...</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I’ve seen this moment repeated over and over again because I’ve tried to save her more times than I can remember. That is my purpose. That is my reason to keep trying. I’m not sure how many times I can try again before I destroy myself, but that does not matter if I can save her.</p>
<p>It hurts less every time Asuka dies. I feel the pain inveterately now, but it is only because I’ve gotten used to the pain that I can keep trying.</p>
<p>I can’t save her this time. I knew that from the moment I entered this universe, but I stayed because I couldn’t let myself abandon her. I knew the pain would come, but I will always try, even in vain. It wasn’t her fault; it never was, I should’ve stopped the first time she died. I know I have to let go, but I would never forgive myself if I did. Though, I still haven’t even forgiven myself for the first time.</p>
<p>I didn’t have to let go. Asuka does it for me. She falls gracefully, and reaches out to the sky with the  arms I wish I could embrace endlessly. Time moves slowly when you’re dreading the moment, almost like the universe is against you, holding it to your face and screaming at you to look, look and look desperate. I am not desperate. I will simply try again.</p>
<p>Every time I force myself to wonder what she thinks of last; sometimes I know she dies hating me, and the pain grows deeper like venom. Sometimes I fail before I even start to try. Sometimes, I want to think it will be the last time, and I can finally rest.</p>
<p>It never is the last time.</p>
<p>I refuse to let it end. I have carved Asuka’s place as the hole in my heart over and over again every time it starts to close. I would destroy the world if it meant she would be saved. I have already sacrificed myself for her sake.</p>
<p>I close my eyes and recite the prayer, the words are burned on my tongue and I repeat them in muscle memory, no longer knowing what they mean. When I open them, time will start again. I will have another chance to save her.</p>
<p>Lilith speaks to me, “Do you not know?”</p>
<p>I nod my head. “She will never be the Asuka I lost in the beginning.”</p>
<p>“So why do you continue?”</p>
<p>“Because she is Asuka, and because I am Rei.”</p>
<p>I wonder if ghosts exist. If they do, I have too many to count.</p>
<p>Lilith raises her hand and I let myself fall. She waves, and I land.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. PRELUDE: TO RELIVE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The first meeting.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first ending was the most painful. I went to her funeral, to try to sate the pain at least a little. I never go anymore, because funerals are for dead people, and Asuka is not dead to me yet. I remember the looks of pity from faceless strangers as I stood there hollow. Empty well-wishes and comforts and “she will always watch over you.” If she did, she would hate me now. They said, “she will always be with you in spirit.” It’s still not enough.</p><p>The memory of all our previous meetings are wearing thin, threadbare and sewn together from scraps of fabric. Only our first meeting is the one I remember most vividly. We were children. We met at elementary school, where Asuka practiced the piano after hours and I would wait and stand outside  the classroom door secretly every day to listen. Eventually, she caught me. </p><p>She opened the door and I fell into the room at her feet.</p><p>“What are you doing?! This is a private practice session, you know!”</p><p>“This is public property.”</p><p>“So what? I was here first! You’re not gonna get me to leave, if that’s what you wanted.”</p><p>“No,” I shook my head. “I am here because I wanted to listen.”</p><p>I remember her face getting red as Asuka turned away. “Well if that’s all you really want, I guess it’s not that bad…”</p><p>“Then, may I sit on the bench with you?”</p><p>She groaned. “I mean, I guess. But you have to pinkie-promise not to be distracting! If I hear you say ANYTHING, I will kick you out!”</p><p>I nodded my head rapidly.</p><p>She grabbed my hand eagerly and dragged me over to play the piano. I think she was desperate back then for someone to listen. I was desperate to find someone to listen to.</p><p>Asuka took a deep breath and ghosted her hands over the keys. Gently, she started playing the melody, and it was a slow, sad sound, and sometimes she hit the keys harder in some areas than others. She is a girl who no one listens to; that was what I learned that day as I sat on the bench. I learned that she was lonely, and because I was lonely too, I listened.</p><p>I had heard her play this song many times before in practice, repeating parts over and over and missing keys and cursing out loud. Even then, I could hear her curse under her breath every time she missed a key, but she kept going anyways, like she was trying not to let me know how weak she was. I didn’t mind, because to me Asuka was Chopin, and I was Wojciechowski, and she was my muse and I was hers. I remember feeling something I never had before, and I remember looking at her face as she played, watching her brows furrow as she stumbled over the keys. We were just children, taking refuge in each other’s company.  </p><p>When the song ended, I wanted to ask if she could play it again, but she stood up quickly and walked out the door blushing. She avoided me for a while after that; I felt like I understood, so I left her alone for a while. It was not long before I couldn’t take it and I waited to hear her play outside that classroom door. She didn’t come that day. (Or the next, or for a long time after that.)</p><p>I only saw her in passing during those years, glances in the hallways or making eye contact on the way to school. It gave me an ache in my heart that I did not know how to satisfy. </p><p>We met again in high school, placed in the same classroom, and by chance also seated next to each other. I didn’t think she’d remember me, after all I was only a scrawny wisp of a child. For a while it stayed the way it was before, until one day when it rained.</p><p>Everyone had already gone home when I noticed she was still sitting at her desk, looking out the window with her head on her hand and sighing. </p><p>“Are you alright, Asuka?”</p><p>She only looked back at me with sadness and dying anger in her eyes. I felt strange, like I wanted to do something but I didn’t know what. I felt out of place because she radiated emotion, and I could not understand what they were. I wanted to leave, but the ache in my heart urged me to sit down next to her and stare out the window too. It felt like hours as her and I watched the rain. </p><p>I wish I had known how to help back then. I don’t think it would have changed anything, but I regret that I had spent so long near other people and yet I still didn’t take the time to learn about them. Would she have opened up sooner? It is no use thinking about it. With every rewind of time, I become more alienated from humanity, yet I feel more human every time I watch her die. </p><p>There was not much I knew how to say to her, but I wanted badly to fix that sadness in her eyes. </p><p>“Are you going to go home? You might worry your parents,” I asked.</p><p>“Ha! Like they care,” she laughed. Then she sniffled, and she tried not to let me see her cry. (I pretended I didn’t notice.)</p><p>“Don’t you have parents too? You don’t have to babysit me, you know,” huffed Asuka.</p><p>“I noticed you didn’t have an umbrella. I am waiting for you to leave so you don’t catch a cold.”</p><p>She looked at me like she was surprised I cared, and I suppose she might have been. I remember the classroom getting darker as the storm grew more intense. It got late enough that a teacher told us to go home, so I took Asuka’s hand in mine and I left with her. She didn’t protest, but I could see a soft rust color dust her cheeks.</p><p>There was not a word spoken between us under my umbrella as we walked together. Only silence, except the pattering of the rain and the splashing of Asuka’s shoes stomping the puddles. Either we were beyond words or she simply didn’t know how to fill the space; one of us was enamored and the other was grounded. She stopped suddenly outside a convenience store and gripped onto my hand as she walked in. The pattering of the rain dulled, only to be replaced by the buzzing of the fluorescent store lights and the loud colors of the snack packaging. We looked around the store for a while, still hand in hand and not acknowledging it. She let go when she stopped at the drinks section and crouched on the floor. My hand felt empty. </p><p>Maybe it was only the store lighting, but as I crouched down next to her I noticed Asuka’s eyes looked brighter than before. </p><p>“What do you want to drink?” she asked. I shrugged my shoulders.</p><p>“I have no preference.”</p><p>Asuka grabbed two bottles of strawberry milk and stood up to pay at the counter. I pulled out my wallet but she shook her head and pulled hers out instead.</p><p>“I’m paying.”</p><p>We sat on the curb drinking our strawberry milk and watching the rain. It had been raining longer than usual.</p><p> </p><p>I turned to her and asked, “Where is your home?”</p><p>“I’m not going home today.”</p><p>“Then where will you go?”</p><p>She paused. “I don’t need to go anywhere. I want to be alone.”</p><p>“I don’t want you to be alone.”</p><p>“Is it because you don’t want to be alone?”</p><p>I didn’t know the answer. I only knew I wanted to dull the ache for longer.</p><p>“You can come to my house. No one else lives there, only me.”</p><p>She nodded her head. The storm was starting to get violent, but neither of us felt particularly scared. I felt calmer than anything. </p><p>“Should we wait for it to die down?” I asked.</p><p>“No, I don’t want to catch a cold.”</p><p>So we got up and left the curb, leaving the store and its buzzing lights behind.  We went back the way we were going, because we didn’t know where we were going before. All we knew is we wanted to leave.</p><p>I don't remember that house; I have lived in too many places and never stayed long enough to memorize every crack in the walls or stain in the carpet. The only thing I do remember that when Asuka came for the first time, it felt warmer.</p><p>We were a lot closer after that. Asuka came over every day after school, or we went somewhere else when I felt like my home didn’t belong to me. We never went to her house. She said it was pointless. </p><p>It was nearing the end of spring, and we were at school when I asked her if she still played piano.</p><p>“Of course I do, I even do competitions now. I actually have one coming up that I’m supposed to be practicing for. I haven’t been, though,” she admitted.</p><p>“Would you like to?”</p><p>“What do you mean by that?”</p><p>“After school, I’ll show you.”</p><p>She looked at me curiously, but turned away to look at the window. (Asuka did that a lot.) Time ticked by as she fidgeted with her pen and bounced her leg up and down. When school ended, I could see her get tenser.</p><p>“Don’t worry,” I said. “It’s nothing bad.”</p><p>“I know that,” she snapped.</p><p>I took her hand in mine and I led her out the door. The sun shined a deep orange on our faces as we walked. With every step we took, she seemed to get more puzzled. Along the way, she tried to get hints out of me, but I stayed silent and smiled. We never let go of each other’s hand.</p><p>I would do anything to relive that day over and over. If I knew those days would end, I would have savored every moment of them. </p><p>I took Asuka to our old elementary school. It looked abandoned, but not decaying; it was more like it was estranged. </p><p>“What are we doing here?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’ll see.”</p><p>The doors were not unlocked, so we entered, and I took her up the stairs and down the halls to the classroom I used to sit outside when she played. The piano was still there, under dust, with more smudged fingerprints from children who could not appreciate it in the way I did. How could they not know? How could they not have known how important Asuka is? How could they not know that my universe revolves around her, and that piano is worth more to me than gold?</p><p>I walked to the piano but she stood in the doorway, looking unsure, so I went back and grabbed her hand. </p><p>“I promise I won’t be distracting,” I pleaded.</p><p>Asuka smiled and laughed to herself.<br/>“Alright, I guess we’re doing this then.” </p><p>I dragged her to the piano bench, she sat to the right of me. </p><p>“What did you want me to play?”</p><p>“The first song you played for me.”</p><p>She scoffed. “Jesus, Ayanami, I don’t remember that, that was like six years ago or something.”</p><p>I could feel my heart ache harder when she said that.</p><p>“Ah...I remember it went like this,” I started playing the notes of the tune I had locked in my memory, left to bring back on a rainy day..</p><p>Although I tried my best, I was not a very good pianist. Though, I must have played something right amongst the several out-of-tune notes and disheveled rhythm, because she smiled at me softly. </p><p>“I was teasing. I’ll play it for you.”</p><p>And so she did. E, G, F, E, B, A, B, C, F, the starting notes. The melody is burned into my mind now, and it plays every time I see her. It is Asuka’s song. She played it like she was seeing an old friend, with a smile on her face and tears at the edges of her eyes. After she was done there was a silence I did not know if I could fill. I didn’t want to break it.</p><p>“It’s called Lent et Douloureux, by the way.” She broke the silence first.</p><p>I nodded. It’s funny now, when she first played it, I thought it dulled the pain, but it only initiated it. Every time it is played now, the pain grows deeper.</p><p>“Would you teach me how to play it?” I asked.</p><p>“I’m not a very good teacher.”</p><p>“You’ve taught me a lot.”</p><p>She looked at me softly. “So have you.”</p><p>Asuka’s hand fell from the piano and grabbed mine. It was soft, and I felt like I was melting next to her. </p><p>“Can you try to teach me?”</p><p>She guided my hand to the piano keys. “Here, play these ones.”</p><p>We pressed the keys together, with her hand over mine, and the other clutching the bench. The melody sounded dysfunctional and broken, but I think it was the proudest of myself I had ever felt. Asuka had a tendency to make one feel more capable of themselves.</p><p>She turned to me. “It’s only a beginner’s song, you know. I can’t believe I struggled with it so much as a kid.”</p><p>“I can believe,” I chuckled. “It is quite difficult for me.”</p><p>“Maybe one day I can teach you something more difficult, like a piano duet we can play together. Would that be okay?”</p><p>“Definitely.”</p><p>Asuka smiled, “Then it’s a promise. For now, let’s stick to this one.”</p><p>And so, we played. Eventually, it stopped sounding less like music and more like background noise. I was less conscious of the music and more conscious of the fact she was here with me and her warmth was covering me, and I felt endless. She kept trying to teach me, but I am a very difficult student. I don’t seem to understand things even when they are repeated to me over and over again. Asuka started getting more frustrated, and I had already learned the basic melody, so I thought we ought to leave by then. Still, I did not get up. Neither did Asuka, she kept talking to me about everything she’d always wanted to say. I sat there and I listened to every lyric, the same way I always would. I don’t remember everything we talked about, but I knew at that moment that I loved her more than anything. </p><p>“I’m sorry I left the first time,” she said after a silence.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay.”</p><p>“No, it’s not. I wish I hadn’t, then I would have known you sooner.”</p><p>I held her hand. “You can’t spend all your time agonizing over choices you should have made. You have already made them, now you must learn to move on and live for what you have now.” </p><p>“I wish I could,” she smiled sadly, “but I don’t have much to live for now.”</p><p> </p><p>“You have me,” I offered.</p><p>“I have you.”</p><p>“We have each other, it seems.”</p><p>“And I wouldn’t let anyone else have me.”</p><p>I moved closer to her, knees and shoulders touching. I could feel her breath grace me. I shuddered.</p><p>“I wouldn’t either.”</p><p>Asuka smiled and touched her forehead to mine. It felt like we truly understood each other at that moment, like two lonely pools of water eroding their banks to join together. I brought my hand up to her face and held her; I was afraid if I let go she would flow away from me. </p><p>Then she kissed me, and I will never forget it. I had been kissed before; quick, ingenuine children’s kisses from the boys on the playground who I thought I liked because they paid attention to me. Children’s kisses are just that; like childhood. Immature, flighty, things that are soon left behind. Asuka kissed me not with a child’s kiss, but with an angel’s kiss. And so I kissed back with everything I had, and we were endless and infinite in perpetuity.  Whispers of Rei and Asuka ghosted our lips and sent shivers down our spines. I felt more than I ever had dared to let myself.  She let me want to feel.</p><p>When we left, we walked together under the setting sun, our hands were laced together and we sat in a comfortable silence. No words needed to fill the void, because it was already filled. The aching in my heart turned lighter, softer, and painless, flapping like butterflies and doves. We continued down the path aimlessly. I’m not sure where we wanted to head, or if we even had a destination in mind. Still, we kept walking, just to live in that moment for as long as we could.</p><p>We ended up near a creek. It was quite wisp-like, and the cicadas sang a song of warmth at its banks. There was a tree nearby that blossomed in the spring, though then it only sported leaves.</p><p>“Come on!” Asuka grabbed my hand and we headed down to the creek.</p><p>She is always so impulsive, and she gets me to do things I am too hesitant to. She took off her shoes quickly, and shuffled impatiently while I got mine off to follow her. The mud was soft, but it felt strange, and we ran down to the banks of the creek and danced in the water to the song of the cicadas.<br/>“I feel so happy I want to scream!” she sang.</p><p>“I’m not stopping you,” I smiled.</p><p>She took a deep breath. </p><p>“I AM SO HAPPY! I LOVE REI AYANAMI! I WANT TO LIVE FOREVER!” </p><p>I laughed and she turned to smile at me. </p><p>“You love me?’</p><p>“I do. You were my first crush, I think, back when you used to listen to me outside the classroom door.”</p><p>“I didn’t think you remembered that.”</p><p>She pulled me closer. “Of course I did, dummy. You were the first person who actually wanted to listen to me. Why wouldn’t I remember that?”</p><p>“I hadn’t really considered myself important to anyone…” I looked at her, and she smiled back. </p><p>“You are important to me, Rei. I can’t think of anyone else that’s more important.”</p><p>I kissed her, though it wasn’t much of a kiss because we were both smiling too much. </p><p>“I love you too,” I whispered.</p><p>She kissed me again, deeper, and I let myself be surrounded by her. The creek was still flowing below us, and the rocks were still poking our feet, but I didn’t mind, because all I felt was Asuka.</p><p>When she left to go home, the aching continued, but I ignored it because I knew she would come back to me, or I would come back to her. I always would.</p><p>The days continued softly, like the melody she played for me. The cherry blossoms fell onto our cheeks, spring came and went, and we still never lost each other. When summer came, the rain fell harder than spring blossoms. </p><p>It was at the creek with the cicadas and the cherry-blossom tree where Asuka first collapsed.</p><p>We were running, laughing, the wind was in our faces and the stars were in our eyes. The summer storm was stronger than ever, but the downpour only made us feel lighter. We kept running, faster and faster and splashing our bare feet in the mud and dancing. She spun me and I smiled, and she fell and I thought it was an accident so I laughed and fell down with her. I let the rain cascade down my face as I stared at the sky. I didn’t notice she wasn't speaking for a while.</p><p>“Asuka?” There was no response.</p><p>“Asuka!” I shook her, and I heard her breath shudder and heave. I clutched her hand and brought her to my chest, and I carried her under the tree for shelter from the pouring rain. I was terrified of losing her, and at that moment I promised myself I would never let myself. I had never been much to believe in prayers, but that day I recited those long-forgotten prayers.</p><p>“You’re going to be alright. I am going to wait here until you feel okay.” </p><p>I felt her nod, so I waited. I waited until her breaths sounded less like shuddering and more like sobbing. I knew something was wrong, why didn’t I do something sooner? I couldn’t. I felt powerless. </p><p>“I-I’m s-so-o sor-ry...Rei.. I-” </p><p>“Shhh. You need to calm down first, okay?”</p><p>So we waited again, and her sobs quieted, and I held her close and she held me.</p><p>Finally, she spoke, “I have to tell you something. Please don’t freak out, okay?”</p><p>“I won’t.”</p><p>“I’m...sick. Like, really sick. Like, the-doctors-don’t-know-what’s-wrong-with-me-but-they’re-pretty-sure-I’m-gonna-die-in-3-months sick.”</p><p>I felt my heart set on fire, but not much of anything else. I didn’t even notice the tears running down my face until I felt them drop onto my hand. I couldn’t say anything and I noticed the tears return to her eyes. </p><p>I wish I had been stronger. I wish I could have carried Asuka away from the world as we soared through the sky and left the world behind. I wish we could have been angels, but I left that behind me when I made my purpose dedicated to finding her again. I wish I could have saved her the first time. I have already run out of wishes, though..</p><p>“Is it cancer?” My voice shook as I asked.</p><p>“Possibly.”</p><p>I don’t know if the sob came from me or her, but before long it was both of us falling apart into each other's arms. I held the pieces of her as she crumbled, but I tried harder not to let her see I was crumbling too. How could I? It would be selfish, and I would disappoint Asuka. I had to be strong for her. </p><p>And I tried my best to be, through doctor’s visits and new medication-mood swings and even when she tried to get me to give up on her, I would not let myself give up. Eventually, she had to be hospitalized. It was too dangerous for her not to be; often she would collapse in dangerous places, or stop being able to breathe in places where she couldn’t catch her breath. So, the doctors locked her away in a room with flowers from people who felt obligated to leave them. She slept in scratchy hospital gowns and ate terrible hospital food when I didn't sneak in her favorite snacks during visitor hours.</p><p>One evening when the hospital was quiet, and there was nothing but the beeping of the heart machines, I brought her some cake I made for her to try. She smiled at me, but at first I didn’t recognize her. She was willowy and hollow, and her cheeks didn’t glow, but they caved inwards. Her eyes were so dull and empty, it scared me. I had hoped the cake would lift her spirits, but she only took a few bites before she felt too tired to lift the fork. So, I picked it up for her and fed her myself, because I knew that’s what she wanted but felt like she didn’t deserve.</p><p>“Rei,” she asked. “Do you still love me?”</p><p>I almost dropped the fork. She looked so tired and broken, and my heart ached stronger. </p><p>“I always will love you, through anything, and I will do anything to prove it if that is what you want.”</p><p>“You’d do anything?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Then don’t leave me behind. Stay right here by my side, and don’t listen when I tell you to give up on me. I don’t want to be alone when I die.” she pleaded.</p><p>“You’re not going to die-”</p><p>“Rei,” she choked, “stop lying to yourself. We both know I’m going to die. There’s nothing we can DO. I just want you here when it happens.”</p><p>I shook my head. “I’m not going to let you die.”</p><p>The hospital blankets were thrown aside as Asuka grabbed my face. She kissed me roughly and desperately, with the energy of a dying star.</p><p>“Do you promise to visit as often as you can?” she whispered.</p><p>“I promise I’ll come every day.”</p><p>She chuckled. “I don’t think I need you to come that often.”</p><p>I nodded. </p><p>We kept kissing until I had to leave.</p><p>“Will you bring over my keyboard next time? I miss playing it.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>That night I went home, to curl up and shield myself with the blankets on my bed to cry. As much as I tried, though, I only felt emptiness. I didn’t know how long it was before the sun came back up, and I didn’t care to check the time. I was pathetic, and selfish. How could I let myself feel so weak, when Asuka was dying and yet still stronger than I? My mind escaped to dark places and my blankets trapped me in them. I hadn’t even noticed I fell asleep until I heard my alarm go off. I didn’t get up, and the aching grew stronger. </p><p>Weeks passed by dreadfully slow. Hospital visits and going to school became mundanities, and I didn’t have the energy to live through them. I brought the keyboard when I visited every time after that, and Asuka on her bed to play me her favorite songs. When I went to her house the first time to get it, I saw her mother looking out the window distantly. She said nothing, so neither did I. As I left I noticed she was in the same spot, almost unblinking. I tried to say hello, and there was no response except a glare from the corner of her eye. I kept it at my house after that.</p><p>I suppose that was the reason Asuka never brought me there; it felt less like a home and more like a stage. Everything was too perfect, and the furniture was too clean, even for my standards. It felt like a ghost house.</p><p>The keyboard was bulky and difficult to get to the hospital; on the train rides there I would stumble through the cars and weave in and away from strangers who gave me dirty looks. The hospital workers gave me sad looks when I arrived. I always refused to look back at them as I continued to Asuka’s room. </p><p>ROOM 303 was a number that looked more dismal every time I saw it. I opened Asuka’s door to see her laying in bed. She smiled when she saw me. It looked sad, but I only smiled back as I lugged her keyboard behind me.</p><p>“You brought it again! Good, there’s something I wanted to play.” She grabbed the keyboard from my hands and skipped back to her bed. </p><p>I followed to sit next to her. Under all the distant beeping and noises from the open window I could hear her breathing falter. Although she tried her best to hide it from me, I could already tell how weak she was. Her skin was a sickly pale yellow, and her hands shook as she hovered them over the keys. She pressed one, hesitantly, and I saw a tear fall onto it. I took her other hand in mine.</p><p>“Do you still remember how to play the song I taught you?” she spoke quietly, with a shuddering voice.</p><p>I looked down at my hands; they were far from a pianist’s. I never practiced because I didn’t think I deserved to play it. I glanced up at her.</p><p>“I won’t forget the tune, but I haven’t played the notes.” I admitted.</p><p>She squeezed my hand weakly. “That’s fine. We can still try to play it together, if you want?”</p><p>Though I felt embarrassed, I nodded my head, and she guided the hand she held over the keys.</p><p>Our song we played never sounded sadder; Lent et Douloureux means “slow and painful.” How fitting for us. </p><p>Once it ended, I felt like everything else had ended with us. Asuka sat there, crying silently, still holding my hand. She turned her head into my shoulder and I let her soak me with her tears. </p><p>“I’m sorry I didn’t get to teach you anything else,” she whispered.</p><p>I shook my head and kissed her tears away. “You’ve already taught me enough.”</p><p>“Are you going to forget about me one day?”</p><p>“There is nothing in the world that I want to remember more than you, Asuka.”</p><p>She sobbed. “But wouldn’t it just be better to forget me? Don’t you get it? I want you to move on and stop thinking about me. You’re the one who’s going to live, I’m going to die, and you’re going to spend your life agonizing over one stupid girl from your childhood who died before you could spend your life with her? That’s pathetic, Rei. You’re more than just me. Why would you spend so much time thinking about something so worthless?”</p><p>I grabbed her face and pulled it to mine. “No. If anyone here is worthless, it’s me. I don’t want to be more than you. I don’t want to stop thinking about you. The agony I feel won’t cease if I forget you, it’ll only become hollow.”</p><p>“Don’t-” she sniffled, “stop saying those kinds of things, why,” she sobbed as she repeated, “why, why why why why? Why do you care about me so much? Just forget about me already!” </p><p>She threw herself towards my chest and the piano fell to the floor, forgotten. Her breathing was heavy and stuttered, and I could feel her shaking. I pulled her closer and buried my face in her hair and soothed her with empty comforts. Sometimes you say things to people just to make them feel better, and both of you know you’re lying. “Everything will be okay,” we say, but there’s a sinking feeling we’re familiar with that tells us the truth. </p><p>“I refuse to forget you,” I murmured, and I ran her hair between my fingers. “Not ever for the rest of my life.” I could feel her getting weaker, and I was terrified. But still I sat, with her head in my arms and my lips kissing her over and over again, as if I could somehow heal her if I gave her enough of them.</p><p>“I’m really tired.”</p><p>I nodded my head, because I understood that it was more than just sleepiness. “Should I leave soon?”</p><p>“No,” she pulled her head out of my arms and picked the piano back up. “I want you to play the song for me first.”</p><p>How could I say no to a dying girl? I took it from her lap and I plunked the keys carefully. It was a terrible performance, really, the notes were disorganized and at times I forgot the melody, but Asuka still sat with me and watched, patiently. Every time I messed up, I wanted to stop, but Asuka would play the next few notes, so again I played, and I played only for her and not for me. I couldn’t feel the music, it sounded empty. She joined me in the melody after the refrain, and we played a somber duet. Lent et Douloureux, that is my love, and I will keep playing it just to hear her with me.</p><p>On the last note, her hand pulled away to grace my face. She gave a gentle kiss, but I couldn’t kiss back; I didn’t feel anything. I knew this was our last song. Only hours from now, she would collapse in her bed and fall into sleep, and I could not be there to offer true love’s kiss. I touched her hand, but I didn’t feel it. There was no warmth from it anymore. </p><p>“Goodbye, Rei. I’m so sorry,” she said as she pulled away. <br/>I understood, but I wish I hadn’t needed to. I only squeezed her hand tighter and let my tears fall onto it. I refused to say goodbye. Instead, I told her I loved her, and I left, like a coward. I couldn’t even look in her eyes because I was afraid I would see death. My head was full of cotton and pins and I couldn't see past the points of them.</p><p>I wasn’t surprised when the hospital called me the next day to tell me she had died. I didn’t feel much of anything at all. </p><p>The funeral was just as emotionless as I was; her parents were gossipping among the other adults and I could hear the kids from our school snickering in the back and did nothing out of numbness.</p><p>Her mother stood in the front row, unmoving. I’ve learned you can tell if someone is sad by the emptiness in their eyes; all I ever saw in her eyes that was boredom. I clenched my fists and grit my teeth as I stood up. I made direct eye contact; that was terrifying, but I didn’t feel pain and I didn’t feel fear, just anger. </p><p>She only looked back with apathy.</p><p>My eyes stung as I turned away from her. I walked right out the door and never looked back. I already said my goodbyes, there was no need for me to stay.</p><p>I kept running until my feet took me to our old elementary school. It wasn’t where I was planning on going, but I knew it was where I needed to be. I felt like a machine walking up the stairs to the room with the piano. With every step I memorized everything I could remember about Asuka: her smile, her eyes, the way she flew when she played piano, the way she laughed like she knew she was going to die but couldn’t care less. I saw the piano, but I wasn’t listening anymore. As I sat next to the keys I could feel her there, holding my hands and guiding them towards the starting notes; E, G, F, E, B, A, B, C, F, Lent et Douloureux. Her song, my melody. I played the same song for hours, just so I could feel her with me for as long as I could. It wasn’t enough. I picked myself up off the bench and I carried myself up to the roof. </p><p>It was quiet there, and for the first time in months there was peace, and I could think clearly. The night air does wonders for the mind, doesn't it?. My shoes scuffed the concrete and I spun in the bracing night air, dancing an amateur ballet to the sound of the as I left the world behind. I spun, and I spun, and I spun right off the edge of the roof and smiled at the stars. I knew it would come to that. I had told her I wouldn’t forget her for the rest of my life, hadn’t I? I closed my eyes.</p><p>But when I opened them, I was still on the roof, sitting on the edge and swinging my feet. I heard someone speak behind me.</p><p>“Not yet. There is still a promise you must fulfill.” The woman stood next to me and I looked.</p><p>She was horrifyingly divine; her skin shifted and morphed unceasingly, and there was a mask covering her face engraved with many eyes, each of them staring directly at me. I would have been terrified if I was able to feel anything at all, but instead I stared back at them. She felt familiar, like a mother, or a memory from childhood you’d forget about until you smelled something that reminded you of it. I remembered her name was Lilith.</p><p>“Why did you save me?”</p><p>Lilith cocked her head. “Don’t you want to save her?”</p><p>“More than anything.”</p><p>“Then prove it.” Lilith raised her hand. “When I wave this hand, you will wake up in another universe. You will have the chance to save Asuka again. Are you ready?”</p><p>“If you are telling the truth, I am.”</p><p>“There are many risks involved, do you understand? You must never tell her about her past lives or your attempts to save her, and you must never tell her you love her first.”</p><p>“What if I can’t save her again?”</p><p>“Then recite my prayer and I will come to you.”</p><p>I already knew the prayer. I didn’t remember where I learned it, but it felt like it had been dormant in my head for as long as I could tell. With no hesitation, I gave my answer. “I’m ready.”</p><p>Lilith waved her hand.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>plz follow me on tumblr and twitter!</p><p>twitter: evangeiionz<br/>tumblr: ig00r</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. VERSE I: FLOS ADONIS</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Rei works at a flower garden and Asuka is a regular customer.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I wonder if somehow there is a way for Asuka to remember all of the times she’s died and I’ve tried to save her. If there was, I doubt I would have to save her again, but the universes have always been on my bad side. </p><p>I’ve seen a lot of different versions of Asuka. Once, she was an idol, and I was a mere fan, and I could not stop the man from being so brutal. She died up on stage like a supernova. Another time we were so close, and she died right as I let myself grow closer. I’ve since learned my lesson; that nothing is guaranteed in my life, and to let myself be satisfied with dissatisfaction. I’ve seen many more than that, but they all escape me, as it’s been many reiterations of endless and infinite redos.</p><p>This time, I woke up at a garden to see her standing by the white rosebuds. She looked so beautiful next to them, more so than the roses that hadn’t yet bloomed. Neither of us have bloomed, yet she is already so enchanting that I have willed myself to cultivate the bloom from Asuka. I hope that the rosebuds don’t decay before they bloom. </p><p>She turned to look at me and when she saw me, she gave me a dirty look for staring at her and turned away. I supposed I deserved that, but I followed her anyways until we both stood at the butterfly weeds. </p><p>“What the hell do you want?” she spat.</p><p>I stood unmoved. “You forgot your umbrella.”</p><p>“What? No I didn’t-”</p><p> </p><p>At that moment, the rain came down in the garden. I looked down and realized I was wearing a uniform and holding a polka-dot umbrella. I pressed the handle of the umbrella in her hand.</p><p>“Stay safe.”</p><p>I didn’t want to let her go, but we were standing at the butterfly weeds and it would have been strange for me to walk with her, especially since something in my new memory told me my shift hadn’t ended yet. So, I let go. She gave me a strange look as she put the umbrella up and walked away. I hoped she’d return, but I wasn’t too sure until two days later, when I saw her at the entrance of the communal garden holding the polka-dot umbrella in her hands.</p><p>I was watering the cypress tree and she walked up behind me to tap me on the shoulder. I pretended I didn’t notice, just because I knew Asuka. She tapped me again, and I turned.</p><p>“You’ve come back?” I asked, even though I knew she would.</p><p>“I needed to return your umbrella, obviously.”</p><p>I nodded, and she stood there shuffling her feet and fiddling with the umbrella.</p><p>“Um, listen. So I was thinking as repayment, you’d let me take you out to lunch?”</p><p>A warm smile was her answer, and she returned the sentiment. </p><p>“After my shift is over. You can wait in the gazebo,” I motioned towards the gazebo at the back of the garden and she sauntered over to it.</p><p>I hesitated to let her know when it was over simply because she looked so beautiful in the gazebo, sitting like she was alive and had never died. I wondered how many times she’d seen this version of me when she came to the garden but had hesitated to speak to me. Did I really make the first move? Or had we started before I begun? There was no use thinking about it now, I supposed. For now, I would let myself be satisfied with dissatisfaction and let her know my shift was over.</p><p>She let me choose the location in quite an entertaining conversation:</p><p> </p><p>“So you’ve never had McDonald’s?” Asuka gasped.</p><p>“I suppose I never have, though I do not think I would want to..”</p><p>She clasped a hand over my arm and dragged me in an unknown direction.</p><p>“Where are we going?” I laughed.</p><p>“To McDonald’s! Duh!”</p><p>And so, in quite possibly the least picturesque place I can think of, she fell in love, and I had already fallen further than I wanted to let myself. </p><p>I went back that day hoping for more than I should have, and she went back to her own house. I woke up the next day and went to the garden, hoping to see her, but she did not show up, and I feared for the worst. </p><p>I waited for months. </p><p>When I tried to summon Lilith, she only shook her head and told me to have patience, and so I did. (Or at least, I tried to. Waiting on the love of one’s life can bring one to have a lot of impatience.)</p><p>It was April, and the cherry blossom trees fell gently onto the path of the garden. They led to her, and I looked up and I felt like they had brought her back to me. She smiled at me and I wanted to cry, because it was so gentle I felt like she had undone me with every thread left in my body. To her, I only looked like a fool. </p><p>“Why did it take you so long to come back?” I wondered.</p><p>“I didn’t know I was supposed to,” explained Asuka, “until I remembered I still haven’t given you your umbrella back,” she chuckled.</p><p>I wanted to cry. Here I was, waiting on her to come back to me, almost ready to give up on her, and it never occurred to her that my life was always waiting for her to continue. How selfish of me. I continued to weed the forget-me-nots. (They had become overrun with weeds.)</p><p>“You weren’t, but I would still like to see you.”</p><p>“I’ll come more often then, I guess,” she smirked. “What do these ones mean?”</p><p>“Not every flower has a meaning,” I huffed, “But these ones mean ‘True love’ or ‘Don’t forget me’,”</p><p>“That’s cool, what about these ones?” She held up a honeysuckle. “I’ve been meaning to ask, they’re my favorite.”</p><p> </p><p>I took it in my palm as she held it, and I looked up at her. “It means ‘devoted affection’.”</p><p>She blushed and looked away. “You’re weird.”</p><p>“Maybe so, but I hope it doesn’t bother you too much. I quite like your company.”</p><p>“I think I do too. I guess I’ll come here more often,” and she flounced away from my hands quickly. “See you later!”</p><p>I waved back at her. </p><p>The next time I saw her didn’t have nearly as much of a gap between the last time; she came only two days after she gave me back my umbrella. Again, she and I would stand at a flower and she’d ask me what they meant. She’d keep asking again and again, and when we ran out of flowers she’d just start over. One day we were looking at the zephyr flower when she started to cough heavily.</p><p>“Are you alright?” I asked. </p><p>“Yeah, just-” she coughed, “just give me a- cough second-” the coughing was persistent and it sounded painful. I worried she was deathly sick again, but she told me it was just a cold. I did not believe her. I saw forget-me-not petals lie in her hands among her blood.</p><p>When she left I begged Lilith to let me tell her I loved her, but she only stayed silent. I had to watch her suffer and choke through love. I had to watch Asuka die, again. Somehow, only then I realized what twisted deal I had made with a god. </p><p>The next time we saw each other was much less warm. We both knew she would die, and she seemed less and less likely to tell me how she felt, and I was unable to. I wanted so, so hard to tell her I loved her, but Lilith’s conditions restricted me. She asked me what the sweet pea meant. I couldn’t tell her the truth, so I told her it meant sweetness. She looked at me and told me to remember her by it, and I felt a tickle in my throat. </p><p>“Let’s go somewhere again,” I said. </p><p>“What about your job?”</p><p>“I could care less about that right now.” </p><p>So, we went to a piano concerto. The music was grand and majestic, but Asuka only looked smaller and weaker as each song went on, and her coughing got more and more violent. People started to give us dirty looks, and eventually she escaped to the bathroom. </p><p>I followed her, but when I got there I heard her throw up, and there were whole forget-me-not flowers mixed with sweet peas on the floor. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, begging me to say it, but I could only stay silent while I held her. </p><p>“I wish I could-” I choked hard, “tell you I-” the words refused to come out my throat and I begged her to understand, but hanahaki is a horrible disease. The victim will always refuse the other’s love unless it’s explicit. </p><p>The song that played when we went back was Lent et Douloureux. </p><p>When she died, I felt hemlock creeping through my veins. I wanted to scream at Lilith, but I only cried, and could not say any words.</p><p>“You will see that this was not the time. You must keep going.”</p><p>“How can I? You will take her away from me again.”</p><p>“I did not take her away. I only made it so you could not catch her, and it is for good reason-”</p><p>“There is no reason, you’re just a cruel god.”</p><p>She smiled at me. “I am only a god, dear, to call me cruel would be to call me human.”</p><p>She waved her hand again and I slipped into sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i am once again asking 4 u 2 follow my twitter and tumblr i post a lot of asurei art stuffs ! also i am taking writing commissions sooooooo X)</p><p>twt: evangeiionz<br/>tumblr: ig00r</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. VERSE II: HYMN OF SAINTHOOD</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Rei and Asuka play a duet of longing.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One thing Asuka gifted me with was music. In this universe, she and I were violinists in an orchestra. We met at the first practice we had together; I was first violinist, and she was second. The second she met me she was jealous of me, and I could understand that, because in her eyes I had taken something from her. </p><p>We played together in the orchestra without an interaction for months. It was agony not being able to talk to her; I never was able to. However, time does a funny thing where it cycles over and over again. It was a rainy day, and Asuka forgot her umbrella. </p><p>So, I sat with her after practice, because she looked sad, and I was longing to listen to someone again. I listened to her behind the stage, where she couldn’t see me, and she played a dismal tune of longing and holiness. </p><p>If she is a saint, I am an angel. She is good and holy, and I am only one amongst many.</p><p>Soon, she noticed me, after I tripped over myself in the backstage.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello? Who’s there?” she inquired.</p><p>I stepped out from behind the curtains and looked at the floor.<br/>“First. What a surprise, I thought you’d be too busy being pretentious and posh to stick after orchestra.”</p><p>“I am not pretentious.”</p><p>“What-ever, you like, barely talk to anyone. We all know you think you’re too good for that.” scoffed Asuka.</p><p>“That isn’t true. It is the other way around.”</p><p>“You mean, you don’t think you’re good enough to talk to us? Jesus, that’s pitiful.” Asuka looked at me with disgust on her face.</p><p>“No, I don’t think I’m good enough to talk to just you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then why don’t you give me your chair?” she jeered.</p><p>“I would in a heartbeat, if it were allowed.”</p><p>“You- don’t be such a baby! You worked for that chair, we all know it, okay, First? Jesus, even I know I’m not even close to your level.”</p><p>I furrowed my brow. “No, you are better than me. Perhaps not technically, but you have emotion. My playing is too technical.”</p><p>“Which is why you’re perfect for being the first, because your playing is literally technically perfect. My ‘emotion’ or whatever would mess everyone up,” she huffed.</p><p>“I don’t agree.”</p><p> </p><p>“Whatever! You’re probably only here because you wanted to make fun of me, and now that you’ve gotten caught you’re just making shit up so I don’t feel bad. Well, I’ve got news for you, first! You’ll never be able to break me down, not ever, because your little attempts at bullying are pathetic compared to the shit I’ve gone through, so you can just-”</p><p>“Bullying?” I said, puzzled. “ I never meant to bully you, Asuka, I promise.”</p><p>“You do!” she choked. “You glare at me, don’t talk to me, you don’t even LOOK at me apart from the glaring-”</p><p>“I don’t talk to you because I thought I couldn’t, and I don’t mean to glare.” I strode over to her side and handed her my umbrella. “You should go home. It’s very late, and it will get dark soon.”<br/>She paused and stared at the umbrella. “You know what,” she said through gritted teeth, “I think I’ll take advantage of your pity. You’re not getting this back,” she spat.</p><p>“Of course,” I smiled. “I was meant to give it to you.”</p><p>Asuka flushed, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”</p><p>“Goodbye, I’ll see you next practice,” I hummed.</p><p>“Fucking, whatever! Bye, first.” Asuka trudged to the door of the amphitheater. “I hope I don’t see you next practice!”</p><p>I was not hurt by her words, because I was so charmed at the fact that I had gotten to talk to her after months of longing.  I would never be hurt by Asuka, neither by her words or her actions. The pain she causes me is not relevant. I’ve caused myself more pain than any insignificant thing she could do to hurt me. </p><p>Next practice I was greeted by Asuka handing me the umbrella I gave her. I shook my head and gave it back. I meant to give it to her, after all. </p><p>During practice I noticed she kept messing up, and I think she got more frustrated every time I shot her a look of pity during runs. After practice, I went behind the curtain again to watch her play, but I think she knew I was there, because she kept getting frustrated and groveling about me. Finally, I came out from behind it and just sat next to her, violin in hand. She noticed me, but did not say a word. I started to play, she started to play. We went through the entire piece, and every time she messed up I would wait, then start again. Once we played the entire thing without messing up once, she turned to me with a smile, before it shifted into a glare.</p><p>“Thanks, I guess. But I don’t need your pity, I could have done it on my own.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>We didn’t speak after that. I got up and put my violin away, and so did she. We walked out of the theater together. </p><p>Next practice was a lot more pleasant; she did not mess up once, and neither did I. We both stuck after that time and she put a different piece up on her stand.</p><p>“Can you help me with this one?” she said, shyly.</p><p>I smiled and nodded, and we started the same routine we had the day before. Hours passed and the sun came down, so I asked if she’d like to be walked home.</p><p>“Why would I need that?”</p><p>“For safety reasons.”</p><p>“I mean, I guess if you really want to, it’s okay…”</p><p>From then on, after every practice we would play together then walk home. Once I played her the song she taught me so long ago on violin: Lent et Douloureux. </p><p>“You should play that for the concert,” she told me.</p><p>“We should play it together,” I said, and I put my hand on hers. She smiled back.</p><p>“Sure, but only if I get the main part,” smirked Asuka.</p><p>“Of course, what other part would you play?”</p><p>She giggled. “I can’t believe I used to hate you.”</p><p>She leaned her head on my shoulder and whispered, “Hey, First, let’s go somewhere else on our walk today.”</p><p>“It’s dark though, we shouldn’t go somewhere unfamiliar or something bad might happen.”</p><p>“It’s not unfamiliar to me, don’t worry.”</p><p>She ended up taking me to a karaoke place. It was called Uta Hiroba, and when we walked in I already felt nervous.  I tried telling her I couldn’t sing, but she wouldn’t let me back out.</p><p>“Everyone can sing, dummy. Personally, I have a feeling you’re a great singer.”</p><p>“You’ll get your feelings betrayed. I’m no good at all,” I giggled.</p><p>She took the keys from the attendant and we went to our room. The room was a bright lemon yellow, adorned with posters of pop-stars I was unfamiliar with and advertisements for overpriced karaoke food. We ordered some anyways, or, at least, Asuka ordered a triple-layer parfait and I ordered water for 500 yen. It was so expensive, but I took the bill because I wanted to do something nice for Asuka.<br/>“You’re always giving things to me,” she said. “I should give something to you.”</p><p>“You’ve given me enough as it is. You don’t need to-” I started, but Asuka was already ruffling through her bag to find something. </p><p>She handed me a small figurine; it was a little rabbit, soft and fuzzy.</p><p>“I named it Nashi, but you can name it something else if you want,” she smiled.</p><p>“No, Nashi is fine.” I put the rabbit in my pocket, where it would stay through lifetimes. “Let’s get started, shall we?”</p><p>“We shall!” </p><p>Asuka sang for many hours until her voice got tired. I didn’t sing once. I loved hearing her voice over and over again, even when the grain of weariness became noticeable and she started having cracks in her voice. I loved hearing her smile through misspoken words, and I loved hearing her garbled pronunciations of English lyrics. I loved the way her mouth moved when she sang, and I loved her so hard it hurt me to love her more, but I was used to the pain, so I loved again. </p><p>“Why don’t you sing a song?” she asked me.</p><p>“No, I shouldn’t. Your voice is so lovely as it is.” </p><p>“Oh please, you’d probably upstage me like you do every other time,” she grumbled. “Here, I’ll pick a song for you and you’re gonna sing it, I don’t care what you say.”</p><p>I laughed. “Alright, fine, but if I sound awful, please do not cover your ears, it would make me feel bad.”</p><p>She leaned close to my face and tapped my head. “I promise. After all, you didn’t do that for me, and I know I sound awful.”</p><p>She didn’t sound awful, she sounded like a songbird. But, I couldn’t tell her that or I would scare her away.</p><p>The song she picked out for me was strange, something about plastic love and strangers, and I was sure I sounded awful, but Asuka clapped along to the beat like she was at a concert. We laughed together and I laughed through the song, because for the first time I didn’t care if I sounded bad or if I sounded like an angel, I only cared about her. She looked beautiful in the multi-colored disco lights. </p><p>When the song was over, I saw her sleeping. I wasn’t too upset, it was nice to see her sleeping, but then I realized I couldn’t get her home if I woke her up. I decided I wouldn’t wake her up; I picked her up bridal-style and carried her out the karaoke bar like a princess. I’m much stronger than I look.</p><p>I didn’t know where she lived, so I took her home, although I wasn’t quite familiar with the way. I called over a taxi. The driver looked at me strangely, but I was looking at Asuka. My home was cold and forgettable once again, but I remember it a little more than the others because it had her warmth in it again. I don’t remember much if it’s not about Asuka.</p><p>She didn’t wake up until I brought her home, but then she just fell back asleep. Suddenly, I realized I didn’t have an extra couch or bed. She’d have to sleep on mine with me. I flushed and I almost dropped her, but then I gently laid her on the bed and crouched on the floor. My face was hot and my hands were shaking. I felt exposed to all of Asuka. What would she even wear when she woke up? My clothes?? That was flustering to think about. </p><p>I climbed in the bed next to Asuka and tried to fall asleep, but I just ended up looking at her until some time in the middle of the night when I found her staring back at me.</p><p>“Am I at your house?” She whispered, and it brought me out of my trance. I nodded</p><p>She yawned and closed her eyes again, but she moved closer to me and I blushed. With her warmth, I was able to fall asleep. When I woke up, our arms were tangled together again. She was beautiful in the morning light; it lit up her hair like a fire, and I could see each and every freckle on her face. I wanted to count them, like someone would the stars. I wanted to make constellations by tracing my fingers among them. I reached out and almost touched them before her eyelashes fluttered and I hesitated, but then they went back down. She fell back asleep. I brushed the hair out of her eyes with my fingers and let them linger on her face. It was so warm to be next to her.</p><p>For hours we stayed like that, until finally she yawned and opened her eyes fully.</p><p>“Hello, first.” she giggled. </p><p> </p><p> I stared back at her, wide eyed and face looking like a tomato. “G-good morning, Asuka.”</p><p>There was an awkward silence before I asked, “Would you like some coffee, or breakfast?”</p><p>She yawned again. “That depends, are you good at cooking?”</p><p>“I suppose you could say I am.”</p><p>She pressed her finger to my nose and pushed. “Well, I hope you’re as good of a cook as you are a singer,” smiled Asuka.</p><p>“Ah, I’m a terrible cook then, by your standards.”</p><p>Asuka laughed, and I got up to the kitchenette to warm up the coffee. I didn’t know what to make at first, but then I remembered she liked parfaits, so I got yogurt out of the fridge and adorned it with strawberry jam. I decorated it also with bran and blueberries, making it look like a perfect parfait; after all, “perfect” was the lowest of my standards. When I gave it to her, she poked at it and looked up at me, shocked.</p><p>“I didn’t expect it to look so...good!” she gobbled it up and left some yogurt on the corner of her mouth. </p><p>I dabbed at it with my finger to clean it. “Perhaps I was a cook in my past life,” I laughed to myself, because I had been. Then, the coffee machine beeped. “I’ll get you some coffee.”</p><p>Out of all the things I cook, coffee is my least favorite. It’s very hard to mess up, and I often do. I was quite afraid to make it for Asuka. When I handed her the coffee, she tasted it and made a face. </p><p>“Okay, so maybe you’re not perfect.” </p><p>I laughed, because I was never perfect. How could I be perfect when a piece of me was missing?</p><p>“I don’t blame you if you want to leave now,” I said, worrying.</p><p>“I think I’ll stay,” she held my face. </p><p>And she stayed until we had our next practice. It was quite nice; we sat on the couch together and watched meaningless television with her laying on me. I almost felt like we were perfect. </p><p>Next practice of course, we were unstoppable. The director actually praised us in front of the orchestra; we were completely in harmony.  We decided we’d go out for drinks after, to celebrate. We were going back to the karaoke bar when she told me she couldn’t think of a time without me being there, and I told her I never wanted to remember a life without her.</p><p>The karaoke bar was just as bright as we exited in the middle of the night. I called over a cab, but it would take a while to get there, so we decided we’d just walk. It was just me and Asuka, in the night rain. It soaked us completely, and we laughed together like it was just a minor inconvenience. By coincidence, I had forgotten the umbrella. Asuka said we didn’t need one because she liked feeling the rain on her skin. She was drunk, and kept laughing, and I laughed with her because I felt free. </p><p>For a while, that’s all I felt, and I didn’t want to feel anything else, until fear crept through my veins.</p><p>She was walking on the train tracks, trying to balance herself. I told her to stop but she wouldn’t; she kept going and balancing herself along the tracks. I saw the train coming, but she didn’t. I couldn’t look. </p><p>Time stopped for everything while the train hit her. I could feel the wind on my face but I couldn’t hear anything. My eyes refused to see; my ears refused to hear;  I was a statue in the moment of her death. When I opened my eyes, I saw her mangled corpse hang over the railroad corpse. I was silent. This was the most brutalized I had ever seen her.</p><p>I remembered the last duet we played together, except I was on the piano and she was playing the violin. Again, it was Lent et Douloureux, the song of sadness and pain. When I pressed the opening key she took a deep breath, held her violin up below her chin, and started to play the song with everything she had. Our duet sounded like more than music, it sounded like emotion. All of the pent-up feelings I had held within me spilled out as we played our discordant duet. Tears rolled down my face as I hummed the melody.</p><p>Lilith came to me again.</p><p>“Would you like to try again?”</p><p> </p><p>I was still in shock. Asuka had just died violently in front of my eyes, I wasn’t thinking correctly.</p><p>“Please, fuck, I need to see Asuka again. Please let me try again,” I pleaded.</p><p>So, Lilith raised her hand and I was reset.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>only a couple more chapters til its done i think... i'm not sure how many ill write  til im satisfied lol . maybe just two more until we reach epilogue..?</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this will be divided into parts! some of it will be longer than others. my twitter is evangeiionz and my tumblr is ig00r</p></blockquote></div></div>
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